What is a biblical level of intimacy before marriage?

from the old testament

• Song of Solomon, celebrates the beauty and joy of marital intimacy as a profound expression of love and connection between a husband and wife. It emphasizes that sexual intimacy is a gift from God meant to deepen the bond within the confines of marriage (Song of Solomon 4:10–16; 7:6–12). While the Song of Solomon portrays passionate love and longing, it does not advocate for sexual intimacy before marriage; instead, it implies that such expressions of love are reserved for the covenant of marriage.
• The Old Testament laws also stress the importance of sexual purity and the serious consequences of sexual immorality (e.g., Exodus 22:16–17; Deuteronomy 22:13–21).

from the new testament

• First Thessalonians 4:3–7 says, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness." We need to learn to control ourselves. We are not to take advantage of others—whether it's taking physical liberties or pressing for another type of intimacy. We are told not to wrong each other in matters of intimacy.
• Colossians 3:5 instructs believers to reject sexual immorality and impurity, emphasizing the need for purity and self-control. Intimacy before marriage is categorized as a sinful behavior to be eliminated.
• Galatians 5:19–24 contrasts the “works of the flesh,” including sexual immorality, with the “fruit of the Spirit.” Engaging in sexual intimacy before marriage is seen as incompatible with a Spirit-led life, urging believers to practice self-control and pursue virtues reflecting a relationship with Christ.
• Ephesians 5:3 says, "But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints." The New International Version puts it this way, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." Anything in a premarital relationship that hints of sexual immorality—like dry sex, foreplay, nudity, sleeping in the same bed, pornography, and the like—is unacceptable.

implications for today

Dating couples do not have the commitment that married couples do. They have not yet been made one (Mark 10:8) and are no more attached to one another than friends. Dating couples should honor one another by respecting boundaries. Though dating couples are deepening their relationships and learning whether they are compatible for marriage, they should not act as though they are married. Certain gifts are reserved for marriage only. It has often been said that you should date as if you are dating someone else's future husband or wife. What level of intimacy would you want your future spouse to have had with a previous boyfriend or girlfriend? Here are some boundaries to consider when assessing a biblical level of intimacy before marriage physically, emotionally, and spiritually:

Physical: It is difficult to provide solid physical boundaries that apply to every dating relationship. Depending on one's culture and one's typical physical contact with others, physical boundaries may vary. For instance, some people hug everyone they know. This is not a sign of intimacy or love so much as it is a greeting. For others, hugging is an intimate gesture. It is also important to look at the degree to which the physical touch is carried out. There is a difference between a hug of greeting and a long embrace. Each person should be aware of the meaning he or she attaches to certain gestures when considering appropriate boundaries. It is also wise to be aware of whether certain physical touches lead a person to desire more intimate touch. For example, does a hug of greeting quickly lead to a make-out session? Recognizing personal healthy boundaries is the first step, but physical boundaries should be mutually established prior to physical contact. In the heat of the moment, it is difficult to stop a kiss that is later regretted. If both parties know the limits beforehand, maintaining boundaries becomes easier. Boundaries for physical touch should be a matter of prayer and discussion. The partner with the stricter boundaries should set the norm for the couple.

All that said, there are certain physical boundaries that are clearly biblical. These are not a matter of personal meaning or choice. It is sinful to have sex, in any form, prior to marriage. It is also inappropriate to be naked in one another's presence. Sex is a gift from God that is meant for a married couple to enjoy (Proverbs 5:19; Song of Solomon; 1 Corinthians 7:1–4; Hebrews 13:4).

Emotional: Often, dating couples who have chosen to abstain from physical intimacy still struggle with emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy occurs when couples share their inner thoughts with one another and rely on one another for emotional support. To an extent, dating couples will become increasingly emotionally intimate. This is a natural progression even of friendship. As people begin to know and trust one another, they become more deeply emotionally linked. However, it is wise for couples to continue to guard their hearts. Dating implies no long-term commitment. When couples find their only emotional support in one another, they set themselves up for heartbreak. There should be private portions of a heart that a person shares only with his or her spouse.

Spiritual: Some well-intentioned Christian couples begin devotionals or prayer times with one another. These are both great practices, but they also need boundaries. Our relationship with God is perhaps the most intimate thing we have. When we invite others into this, we are inviting them into intimacy. Giving too much of this to someone who will not be committed to us is opening us up for heartache.