In Bible times, marriages were often arranged to the benefit of the families and their patriarchs. Marriages were not based on the feelings of the individuals involved. The groom would approach the bride's father and set terms, including the dowry which was supposed to be provision for the woman if her husband should die or divorce her without giving her a child. The groom would return to his father's house and build a room for the future couple. Sometime later, he would go get his bride and bring her to the prepared space. They would have the marriage ceremony, the families would celebrate, and the bride would become a member of the groom's family.
A Christian engagement should reflect the fact that marriage is a God-created, God-ordained institution meant to support individuals in a loving relationship and strengthen them to serve God and others. In general, a Christian engagement should lead to marriage. It is a commitment to another person, and such commitments should be honored. But it is not a sin to break off the engagement if events occur or issues come to light that cause the couple to re-evaluate the appropriateness of their match. Unlike in Bible times, breaking off an engagement is not divorce (Matthew 1:18–19). But modern engagements should carry a similar weight as the two learn how to be one. The period of engagement, and the intentional relational investment and equipping during it, can help lay a strong foundation for the couple and their marriage for years to come.
The progression of a relationship today looks different than engagements in biblical times, but it still has three similar stages. The first is that two individuals recognize each other as potential marriage partners, either through friendship or dating. This is the time for big issues to come to light including faith (2 Corinthians 6:14–15), family obligations, personal challenges, and even struggles with sin. Both individuals need to know enough to be able to make an informed decision as to whether they can be compatible as a couple. And they need to take the time to ask God if this is the right person for them (Proverbs 3:5–6).
The second stage, engagement, is an important time for Christians. Once a couple has either resolved or agreed to accept the big issues in each other's lives, they can make the commitment to work toward marriage. Like the Israelite groom who builds a living space for his bride-to-be, engaged Christian couples should spend this time preparing. The emphasis shouldn't be on the ceremony, which may only last a few minutes, but on practical and relational matters that will ensure the marriage is strong. A good premarital counselor will cover finances, housing, expectations of roles, and how childhood families create paradigms that can be completely foreign to the other partner. Women and men must learn what it means to love and respect each other sacrificially in the context of marriage (Ephesians 5:25, 5:33).
The third step, marriage, is much bigger than the feelings of two people in one moment. If done properly and thoroughly, the skills learned during the engagement period should serve the couple throughout their marriage. This means a Christian engagement is not a time to try things out to see if they work. It is not a chance for the couple to make sure they're sexually compatible; it's a time to develop communication skills that can be the basis for a healthy sexual relationship (1 Corinthians 7:3–5). It's not a time to determine if a couple can live together without getting irritated with one another; it's a time to learn how to love sacrificially (Philippians 2:3). Resolution skills, love, and communication are surer signs of a lasting marriage than convenient personal compatibility at a particular stage in life.
Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
Email
