How can I deal with a difficult mother-in-law?

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

The Old Testament makes it clear from as far back as Genesis that a married couple’s relationship must take priority over a family of origin. That said, a couple should treat a mother-in-law with honor (Exodus 20:12) while they resolve conflicts with her and set healthy boundaries. The goal should be to mirror the kind of relationship that Ruth had with her mother-in-law, in which there was mutual love, honor, and kindness extended to each other throughout the relationship. In the New Testament, Matthew 5:23-25 teaches that someone who wrongs another should immediately take action to restore the relationship. Even if a mother-in-law does not take action first, a couple can and should seek resolution to honor God by pursuing peace (Romans 12:18). Lastly, Ephesians 4:32 indicates the response couples should have toward a difficult mother-in-law: Extend kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness toward her, rather than showing anger

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT

• In Genesis 2:24, marriage is described: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Both a husband and a wife must leave their family units to create a new family. While they should continue to love and spend time with their families of origin, they must put each other first. Their primary focus should be on loving and respecting one another. They need to act as one body and one mind, making decisions together and affirming one another.
• When a mother-in-law oversteps a couple’s protective boundary, the couple should discuss the situation and agree on how to resolve it. To honor the mother-in-law (Exodus 20:12), they should respectfully and lovingly explain their concerns, be ready to forgive her, and be willing to establish a foundation for a healthy relationship in the future.
• The book of Ruth provides a beautiful example of how a daughter-in-law can have a strong and positive relationship with her mother-in-law. Although Ruth's husband and father-in-law die, she chooses to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi and even becomes one with her people. Naomi then helps Ruth remarry and continues to be part of her life afterwards. Couples should strive to have this kind of healthy relationship with a mother-in-law to the extent that it is conducive to their marriage.

FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT

• Matthew 5:23-25 can be applied to resolving a conflict between a couple and a mother-in-law: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison." Even if a mother-in-law is the person who first wrongs a couple, she may not see it that way. The couple should not put off resolving a conflict with her.
• In Romans 12:18, Paul encourages us to live peacefully with people. Sometimes this may mean making the first move in restoring a relationship with a mother-in-law even if she was the one who started a conflict.
• Another passage that can help guide a couple in their decisions concerning a mother-in-law is Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” No matter what a mother-in-law has done to offend or hurt a couple, they should extend Christlikeness in their relationship with her.

IMPLICATIONS FOR TODAY

The troublesome mother-in-law has become a cliché, sadly with good reason. The principal complaint is the mother-in-law is overstepping her boundaries. Regardless of intentions, her overbearing presence can negatively affect the healthy functioning of the couple’s marriage and even of the family unit. If the mother-in-law does not step back and work on changing her behavior, the couple needs to firmly maintain appropriate boundaries to protect their marriage. They may have to distance themselves and respectfully go against a mother-in-law's wishes. Even with that, the couple must surrender their hurt feelings and/or resentments to God and pray that He resolves the situation. In addition, the couple should examine their own actions for sinful reactions and continue to love and respect their mother-in-law. Ultimately, couples should strive to have a peaceful relationship with their in-laws by establishing healthy boundaries and allowing Christ-centered love and respect to guide them.

UNDERSTAND

• Couples must put their marriage first and that often means setting boundaries.
• When conflicts arise, couples should seek resolution quickly and extend forgiveness, even if the mother-in-law is the one at fault.
• Couples should treat a difficult mother-in-law with kindness and honor while prioritizing their marriage.

REFLECT

• If you are married, how can you prioritize your marriage while honoring your mother-in-law? What does that look like in your current season?
• How have you responded to your mother-in-law’s actions with forgiveness and Christ-like love?
• Are there boundaries you need to establish or reinforce to protect your marriage and family?

ENGAGE

• What can you learn from the relationship between Ruth and Naomi that can be applied to navigating your relationship with your mother-in-law?
• How can you seek peace and reconciliation with a difficult mother-in-law, as encouraged by Romans 12:18?
• What steps can you take to maintain respect and honor for your mother-in-law while ensuring your marriage remains strong and unified?